Ep 34: Fear of Loss

Dr. Weili Gray is a board-certified sleep and lifestyle medicine physician who practices in the Northeast. She is also the founder of Dare to Dream Physician, where she hosts a weekly podcast and offers life planning to help physicians figure out what they really want out of life and how to live their dream life sooner than they ever imagined. 

During this end-of-year episode, Dr. Gray shares:

• How did she previously deal with fear?

• What led to the transformation in her relationship with fear?
  
  
  
• What are the four steps that she applies when facing fear now?

• An example of how she deals with the fear of loss.

Tune in and hear how one physician is living a meaningful life...


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Transcript

0:01

Welcome to another episode of the DOD dream physician podcast. This is a special episode because it's the last episode of the year. And I'm also recording this on my birthday. Both occasions really. Give me. Pause to just reflect. of the things that. Struck me. As I reflected back on my last year. Actually started from. A conversation a couple of years ago, I was talking to a good friend of mine who I've known for a couple of decades now. And she mentioned something in a phone conversation that surprised me. She said. Whaley. You've always been a courageous person. That struck me because I didn't see myself that way. And as I've passed another revolution around the sun. I recently wrote down a list of my personal growth dreaming. My year as a 40 year old. And I looked at the list and I was shocked at how long that list was and, and just the things that are on there. I didn't even realize until I took the time to reflect how big these changes were. And one of the themes. That I noticed. Underlying my growth was my relationship with fear. In the last year I really transformed my relationship with fear. And this is very interesting because apparently. I was perceived at least by one friend. To be a courageous person. And so previously what fear triggered in me and probably. In a lot of people in general. Is. When I experienced fear, I would either avoid the subject or thing that I was fearful of. Or I would stop my actions because of that fear. And those two things can be very useful. Certainly if I thought that I could just jump down. A skyscraper without a peer shoe or without a bungee cord. Then, the fear that I would experience that would stop me from doing such an action is very smart. Actually, it would be saving my life. But I think we can all think of other things where perhaps we've been avoiding or we've stopped doing because of a fear that may, actually. B an important part of our transformation for us to get to the person that we want to become. And my favorite reaction. I'm Probably my most common reaction when it came to fear. Was to suppress the feeling. This is maybe how I could have been perceived as a courageous person. All my life. Um, especially during the intense training. That it took to be a physician. I just became a master at suppressing feelings. and as a master suppressor of feelings, I could also pretend that I don't have the fear and go and do it. And that can be okay. That can be the way to professional success. It's certainly helped me get through. The anesthesia oral board exam which is an exam where you sit in front of a panel of three or four anesthesiologist, and they can ask you anything from the four years of training that we've had. In residency. But what I realized in the last year when I have transformed my relationship with fear is that if all I do is I suppress the feeling of fear. I'm missing out on a lot more. I'm missing out on a lot more richness in my life and richness in my personal growth. I'll give you some examples in a bit. But upon reflecting, I realized that in my transformed relationship with fear. This is how I now react. One is that I recognized. I recognize the fear. I acknowledge the fear. And in fact, I tried to locate this sensation, you know, how do I know, how do I know that I'm scared that I'm fearful right now. Where is it in my body that I'm feeling it. And then number two. I get really curious about it and I reflect on it. Why am I fearful? What is it that I'm really afraid of? Can I pinpoint. So it's a feeling, but can I pinpoint exactly what that emotion is aimed towards. And I also reflect. On any other feelings or anything else that I might be noticing? And then number three is I decide, I decide what I want to do with that feeling. Rather than automatically suppressing the fear. I get to decide. Do I want to suppress the fear? Do I want to embrace the fear? Do I want to value the fear? Do I want to tune in. Do I want to just carry that fear. Do I want to keep that fear close to my awareness. Do I want to respond to that? Do I want to allow that fear to guide me. In what really is the next step of action that I want to take? And that brings us to number four. Which is valuing and embracing that fear. So once I decide what I want to do with that fear. I also get to assign a value. I get to allow that fear. To actually bring richness into my life. I think that is quite counter-cultural and counterintuitive. But I think that transformation in the relationship with fear is. Possible for anybody. Next I want to talk about, well, what are the common types of fear? There are common themes of what we fear. And I'm not going to have time to go into all of it, but I'll try to give some examples. Specifically that I've experienced this year. There's the fear of rejection. And the first example. When I think of the fear of rejection that comes to mind from this year is starting this podcast, starting the dare to dream physician podcasts. I can't explain it completely with my left brain. But I knew in my spirit that the next step for me is to start a podcast. And so when I made that decision, I was incredibly afraid. And I don't know exactly what I was afraid of, but really, if I reflect on it, I was really afraid of being rejected. I was afraid of putting myself and my voice out there and having people make fun of me. Maybe people won't like me. People won't accept me for who I am. All of those things. And. Because it was very clear to me that this is what I want to do. I just decided to do it afraid. So I hit publish and ran. Part of me did just suppress the feeling of fear. I didn't have the transformed relationship with fear yet. When I was doing this earlier this year, but that was one example. And in some ways I did embrace the fear. Even though I didn't really let it sit with me. I mostly just told myself. You've done hard things before, so let's just go and do this. And, deal with the the fear of rejection later. the next one is one that's very close to my heart and it's very personal, which is the fear of loss. And when I think of the fear of loss, the first thing that comes to my mind. Is my dad. My dad. Was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in 2017. And his diagnosis was not associated with a very good prognosis at all. In fact, when I Google the statistics, it was very disheartening. And It's really amazing that at the end of 2021, he is still here. So really in the last four plus years, I've lived with the fear of loss of my father. It's a rollercoaster of emotions of expectations of all of those things. And this past year. He has been especially intense. And because I've had this fear for so many years. What I've noticed. What was that exactly that I, I. I try to evolve in my relationship with fear. It's just very interesting. That I've had this fear of loss. With my father for the last four plus years. And, this year is the year that I've made the most progress. What I've noticed reflecting, especially in the last three years, is that having this fear of loss doesn't magically change who I am. It doesn't magically change my thoughts or my behaviors. And I think what happened before is instead of really letting myself recognize, acknowledge, and sit with this fear, be curious about this fear. I recognize as the painful thing that it was, and I suppressed it. I suppressed the fear. And instead I focused on action. Just so much more comfortable. So the action that I focused on is how do I rearrange my schedule so I can visit my parents who live about 12 hours away. So I could see my dad more often. What can I do to support his medical journey? How, how can I help facilitate so that he gets the best care from doctors to care about him. And the thing is somewhere in the beginning towards metal, those four years. He really had the most wonderful team taking care of him and really the best doctors, the best technology and there was really nothing more that I could do there. Um, and, and the part about. Ranging my schedule to visit my parents more often. I did do I succeeded in doing that? But what did it change? What was. What was. Disconcerting. To me and frustrating to me. What didn't change was how I felt and who I was and how I behaved and my thoughts. Really my state of being when I was visiting. My parents, those hard earned visits and rearranging our schedules to make it happen. And then when it finally did happen, I found myself being distracted and feeling stressed. And really just not making the best use of the opportunity that my actions created. So I was able to, to change the circumstances here. I was visiting my dad. But I didn't really change my state of being, I didn't change who I was. Really not the person that I wanted to be in trying to enjoy. This time that I do have this gift of time that I do have with my dad. And so I want to make it clear that I'm starting from a very imperfect place. And even in the last year it's not been obvious at all. And I actually felt like I was feeling up this many times. But that didn't stop me from trying. And, I'm currently visiting my parents and, this current visit with my dad. I realized that I'm finally getting closer. I'm finally getting closer. To who I want to be where I want to be. When I'm spending time with my dad. And This occurred because of this transformed relationship with fear that I've experienced. So let's talk about those new steps. When does I recognize the sphere? I allow myself to feel the sensation in my chest. That fear of loss of my dad. I sit there. I could feel a sensation in my chest rising. And sometimes that sensation. Rising would rise all the way from my chest to my neck. To my face and it would lead to tears. And then applying curiosity. I wondered, why was I feeling this fear of loss? And when I asked that I realized that I have a desire to spend quality time with my dad, but I don't know how so it wasn't just the fear of loss, but it was also the fear of failure because hear I was, did all the actions to make the opportunity to spend time with my dad happened, even though we live 12 hours apart. But I didn't know how to have quality time with my dad. And there was a discomfort. And changing my thought. And changing my behaviors when I'm with my parents, because the comfortable thing to do is to just do exactly the same that I did when I was a teenager or what I've evolved over the years before my dad had his cancer diagnosis. It was very typical for my family to be busy. My dad was always busy working. My mom was always busy working and I was busy working. And, I don't think. It comes naturally to any of us to actually just sit and, and be present. And so I reflected on that. Well, allowing myself to feel that fear of loss. I also. Started to feel an immense gratitude. For the life that my dad has lived. And. The decisions that he made, including deciding to drop all the comforts of his home country and immigrate to a new continent, a new country, a new culture, a new language. And how I. I'm so blessed because he made that decision. And how I have been the beneficiary of that decision. And just so much gratitude rises. In my soul, as I reflect on that. And so the next step is I decide. I decided that this fear of loss really isn't bad, this fear of failure. Of making that quality time like my heart really desires with my dad. It's really not that bad. And that I can sit with this fear. I can let this fear. Stay at my daily awareness as I'm visiting my dad. And what I had done in prior visits I was suppressing this fear and it felt really uncomfortable. And so rather than reflecting and being curious and making the decision to let it sit there. I just did things to avoid it. And the result was, I couldn't be present. I was distracted. I was stressed. I couldn't let go of all those distractions in my head. And deciding that this fear of loss and this fear of failure isn't bad. And that I need to sit with it. Aye. It allowed me the opportunity to value this fear and to embrace this fear. And holding this fear in my consciousness and in my body. Throughout the day really gave me more courage. To, to make a change in my usual habits. During this visit, I find myself being able to sit with my dad. Being more available. Being more open. And I would say if anything, the circumstances have gotten more difficult. My dad has lost weight. He looks pale, he looks weaker than I've seen him in the past. And that's very hard for me to witness. And he also has to go to multiple appointments during the week. When he gets home, he's tired. He goes into his room to nap. So. If anything there's been less time. Less opportunity for me. To be there with him. But I find myself. Uh, better able to adapt to these hurdles. And. I'm able to just sit next to my dad. Quiet my mind. and just be with him. Just be with him. comfortable with that fear. Really being grateful that I have this fear of loss. I have this fear of failure because I really love my dad and I really care about my dad and my heart's desire is to. spend quality time with him. While he's here while he's lucid. As I reflect back on my birthday. At the end of the year, as the last podcast episode a year, I'm just so grateful for experiencing this transformation and even though it's part of me feels like, wow, that was magical that I could have that transformation. I believe that transformation. Is possible for you, for anybody who wants it? And I should. Also give full disclosure. That. An even deeper reason for why I experienced this transformation in my relationship with fear is because I surrounded with mostly. Really receive life planning. When attending a workshop. At the beginning of this year. Receiving life planning gave me the gift of confidently knowing what my dream life is and a little fire for me to find. Find the how, because I didn't know how, when I knew this is what I want out of life. This is my dream life. This is who I want to be as a human being. I didn't really know the, how yet. But knowing what brings me a meaningful life, a life that I will smile brightly about when reflecting. Back on my life. When I am at the end of my life. It just gives me so much freedom and it gives me the courage to pursue that, to pursue those dreams. Now. And so yes, part of that transformation occurred. The sheer in my relationship with fear. But this complete transformation, not just with fear, but with your whole entire life. As available to anybody who wants it. And I I would be honored and privileged to help you create your life plan. So if you're just thinking about it, just go online right now and sign up for discovery. Call with me@daretodreamposition.com. I would love to connect with you.