Special Episode: Prevent Regret and Live Your Purpose Workshop Preview

As some of you know, I hosted the first LIVE event for the Dare to Dream Physician Community last week, in honor of the one-month anniversary of my dad’s passing.

I’m putting out this special PREVIEW episode on my podcast to feature part 1 of the workshop.  If you like this preview, there are 3 more parts to the REPLAY, including a reflective exercise, reflections from my current life planning clients, and a live life planning demo session. 

SIGN UP for the FREE REPLAY at https://daretodreamphysician.com/ws

Registration is OPEN for Clarity and Vitality: An Exclusive Life Planning Program for Physicians.  For details and signup go to https://daretodreamphysician.com/cv

Transcript

Dr. Gray 0:09

All right, so I am so grateful that you guys are here. I'm just gonna introduce myself a little bit. Um, some of you may know who I am. Um, some of you may not. Um, so my name is Whaley gray. I am a board certified and sleep physician. Um, currently I practice, um, only sleep medicine and I'm an employed physician in a rural hospital in, um, a really rural area of Vermont. What I wanted to share in my story started about a year and a half ago. And it's probably very similar to a lot of, physicians, who are practicing medicine today. So I was about five years into my first job as an attending physician. I am still and was at the time, married, with three kids and had moved my family around, for, different parts of my medical training. And finally, settled in this really beautiful town. And then we grew our roots and, so, my husband and my three kids, finally, lived in a house that we thought was gonna be a long term, um, place for us. And you know, this is around a year and a half ago was around the middle of the COVID pandemic. A lot of changes were happening everywhere in medicine and, what I thought, I had found my dream job which is why, we, we moved one more time and I thought, okay, well, we're gonna, settle down here. Um, and then things started happening at work. Like a lot of physicians were, were experiencing and I started to, to get really, really discouraged, cuz I thought that, you know, every day I was going into my dream job, um, until it wasn't anymore until, things were changing and I felt like, um, decisions were being made at work that affected me. But didn't really get my input and all sorts sorts of things. Um, and it got to the point where I, was wondering if I, even though I love the daily practice of medicine, you know, seeing my patients and connecting with my patients, what, what I was really, uh, distressed about was, I just didn't think I could keep going, as a physician and, you know, here we are, we had spent, at that point, let's say so five years in attending, but it was almost over 10 years in training to be a physician, in getting, fellowship and, residency. And I didn't know if I could keep doing it anymore. And it sounds kind of crazy now, as I think about it, cuz I'm still at the same job, I'm still at the same place, but then I, I thought, okay, well maybe I should look into, you know, doing something else. Cuz I really felt this pain. Like every day I wanted to work, I just felt this pain of, I don't, I don't know if I could keep doing this. It just felt like it just didn't feel right. So out of that pain, I, I started looking at other options and one of the things that there, there, there were, I didn't have time for a lot of hobbies, um, in, in, during my medical training. And one of the things that I was trying to teach myself how to do and started doing a fairly good job was of it was managing my own money. And so I thought, well, you know, this one thing that I'm sort of good at now, um, maybe I could look into changing career and as a financial planner. Um, and so I signed up for a conference, that was attended by financial planners. I had never gone to a non-medical conference before as an adult. And so I was paying, non CME money out of my own pocket. And I really just really wanted to try to get the most out of it. And, that conference was a life planning conference and it it's part of life planning is a, and I will tell you more about life planning, but it, it, it comes from the financial planning community where they really wanted to look at, you know, well, if you're gonna try to figure out your finances, well, what is it that you're figure out the finances for, how do you really wanna live your life? And so I attended this conference and because I was probably the only one there paying non-tax deductible money. When they asked, do you want, you know, does anyone wanna volunteer, to get life planning? Even though I was, am still, introverted and doesn't really wanna share things in front of a group, I thought, no, I, I need to get the most outta my money. So I raised my hand and I volunteered to get life planning by this, life planning trainer. Um, and it was, it was a very short session in retrospect, but it really. It's made a huge difference in my life, that, that session, where I got to sit down and share about, well, what is it that I really want out of life? What's really important to me, what, if, if I'm looking at only having a limited time in my life to live, what is it that I really wanna accomplish and what is it that I really wanna experience? And when I was able to get in that space, it, it just, um, I, I, I just, I, I felt this shift and it was almost like this immediate, like all of a sudden I've had this energy and I had this shift and at the end of this session, I returned back to my family. This is a, a, a conference on zoom, by the way, cuz it was the middle of the pandemic. but I went back to my family and I just thought, you know what, I, I have no interest in leaving medicine. I, I was just running away from a certain amount, amount of pain that maybe was related to my employer. And I really it's. Um, it's really okay. I actually love what I do as a doctor. I'm gonna figure out there are parts of it that I don't love. Um, but I feel like I could change'em that's not really the most key thing and the most important thing. And so. I, I couldn't believe that the shift that I had in this very short process, um, going through, you know, a taste of life planning. And, um, so part of what I did was one, I stayed in medicine, and I actually just went back. I just felt this immediate difference, like before I would walk in the hallways at work and I, I wouldn't run, wanna run into certain leadership in the hospital. And I just I didn't even know how to face them cuz I was so upset and so distressed. After, you know, doing this work, I went back in the hallways and I noticed that, you know, I could keep my head up and I, I didn't care who I ran into anymore. I just, I felt this shift in, I don't need my employer to, to see the value in, in what I offer as a physician and, and the, the love, the, the love that I have for medicine. I don't need them to validate that. I, I validated it for myself, by doing the work in life planning. So currently, you know, now it's a year and a half plus later, and I'm still at the same job. I'm still living in the same place. And I just feel so different. And I show up at work so differently just because I knew that this is, this is part of my purpose and it also helped me, just do things like I never usually would do, which is, negotiate at my job and ask for things. And, and once I knew what I really wanted out of this job, it was, it was much easier to, to, to try to find what was gonna be professional fulfilling for me. And so that's, that's how I discover life planning. And then it was also through that same workshop that I decided that to to train as a register life planner, because I wanted to offer this to the physician community. If I, five years into practicing medicine, while loving so many aspects, the key aspects of medicine, which is, connecting with the patients and, and being part of, a, a patient's healing journey, wanted to quit. And then doing this work in a short period of time, totally made the shift. I thought, well, if I could bring this back to the physician community, this, um, this, this is my little part, right. And, and, helping with physician burnout. And, and just to be, just to be clear if I had decided after the, doing the work of life planning that I wanted to to stop, and leave medicine and find something else that I'm passionate about. That would've been perfectly okay too. life planning, doesn't have an agenda. It's really about finding the, the most important things to you. And, and then to honor that, and, and to live it as soon as possible, you know, not in 20 years when we retire, but to start living that life that we really want. And so that's how I started doing this and how I got into this. And shortly after that, I decided to start a podcast. Um, and at first I thought it was just gonna be me kind of sharing tips about life planning. And then I started interviewing amazing humans. Many of, many of them are actually on this call today and I realized that, um, we're on this journey together. Physicians are struggling, physicians, don't want to keep living a busy and unfulfilled life that, we want to live a life of meaning and live a a life of purpose. And, and so I just had such a blast, interviewing different physicians on the podcast and hearing about, one is how they're making their dream life happen. And two, what, what they find meaningful, cuz there's, so, so many different points of view and so many different, unique elements in, in each person. And, and so I, decided last week to, to do this workshop, um, because I had a recent opportunity to carry out part of my life plan. And I had many elements of, of my life plan when I did this work. And, I'm happy to share, different aspects of it. And I share a lot about it on my podcast too. Um, but, but one of the things that I am so grateful that I did life planning and that helped me recognize that it was important to me, was to be there for, for my parents at the end of their life. Now I'm an only child. I, live in Vermont. I grew up outside of Washington DC, so my parents still live in Maryland. And that's when we, when you time the drive, especially with kids, it's about 11 hours. It seemed like almost impossible that I would be able to have, working as a physician, being a mom, to be able to do this as part of my life plan. But I I'm just so grateful that, that I, I had the opportunity. And I just wanted to share some of the things that I've gotten from this journey, with all of you who are, have been so gracious to, to attend this workshop. So the, the first one is a perspective. Um, I think when we, live every day, wake up, we all, we all have a schedule. We all have, things that we feel like were obligated to do that we've signed up to do, whether it's going to work, um, clinic or going to the hospital, um, and, showing up to, your kids' games and extracurriculars or, you know, whatever, whatever it is that we feel like we have obligations to do. Sometimes it's, it's having that perspective of. Well, life is actually shorter than we can imagine. And, um, we, we, and even though it seems like, you know, we may not want to, um, we, we, we, we may not, we may get stuck on like, well, you know, this, this is very difficult. This is, I don't know if that's possible to do at all, but just having this long term big perspective of we are here on this planet for a limited period of time, shorter than we can imagine. And, um, and we spend so much of our day in our minds and, and the perspective to help us connect to, to live a meaningful life, to discover and live a meaningful life. A fulfilling life is, is actually more in our heart space. So we're a group of highly educated people. We, you know, we use our brains. I mean, that's especially, you know, if you're a physician, this is, you know, you're using your brain every day to, to problem solve, to, to evaluate assessment and plan. Um, but, but when we get this perspective of wow, it's really awe inspiring that. We can even take a breath right now. And I only, I only appreciate, I, I, I appreciated that more and more when I was spending that last 40 days with my dad in Maryland. Um, seeing him, go from being able to, to walk upstairs to, the day when he was too weak to walk. And, and then the day that he was too weak to even get outta bed. Um, and, and, and, you know, at the end, um, when he was two weak to swallow and when, when he couldn't, um, when he took his last breath, And it's that perspective. Like it's a inspiring that we, we can walk, we can, do things we, we have, we can think, and we, we have this amazing ability to be alive right now and Nobo, none of us know how long we have. Right. And, a, a friend of mine reminded me that, you know, when I was spending that last 40 days with my dad, the assumption was that my dad would pass before me, but I don't know that right. It, I, I could have passed before my dad. And, and so that humility that we are here for a short period of time and that, um, realization that, you know, we, we, we, we take a breath assuming that we just have infinitely more breaths to take in our lifetime, but that's not true because there, there is going to be that last breath. And so, so, and, and it's not meant to be, um, it's not meant to be depressing, you know, to, to have this perspective. It's, it's meant to, to really give us insight into what, what is the life that, that we want to live? What, in this short time that we have, And, and speaking of perspective, one of the amazing humans I interview in my podcast, um, Dr. Shaza Tala, one of the couple, couple episodes back, you know, he's really interested in space and he talks about, um, it's on his life plan, his bucket list to, to go out in space. And one of the reasons is he says, you know, astronauts who have gone out of, outside of the atmosphere and, and gone out into space, they look back. They look back at the earth and, and they see, you know, this blue planet, um, from outer space and they, they, they, he, um, he calls it the, orbital perspective, right? You see this, you see this glimpse of, wow, this is, this is how fragile life is, you know, it's, it's this planet that we're all humans are all living in. And, um, and, and so it's, it's, again, it's just these glimpses of where you get that perspective. And I think we go through life, um, and it's maybe, we might go a little crazy of every single minute or life we're thinking about that or butal perspective or that, awe that we have that we're alive. But if we can, even every day, we can pull in moments, to remind ourselves that, that, that reality, that truth, um, it really helps us, um, to, to live the life that we really, really want. And so, so perspective is number one, the next, the next idea is to, to pause and give ourselves space. When, when I say pause, it's, it's not something that, um, we, it's not something that we do naturally, right. I mean, it's, Unless we intentionally do it, we can do it. But, unless we, we intentionally do this, it's not like you show up to work and, on your schedule says, okay, from eight to 9:00 AM, you're, you're going to pause and think about what is it that you really wanna get out this day? What is it that you really want to get out of being alive? And so that's, that's the work that I love in life planning is that we get to pause and we can give ourself the space to explore, to, to figure out and, and value. What is it that we really want in this short life. And, and when we do that, some of those elements, most of you will find you already have right in front of you. And, and when I did this work, um, I, I, I realize that, like I said, I was married and I have three kids. I so value my family. Um, but, but when I did the work of life planning, I realized that, yes, this is what I really want, but am, have I carved out the, the time and the energy and the mental space to really enjoy, to savor this, this dream life that I'm living now, these elements of my dream life. And I mean, it, it was sad at the time when I realized this, but I realized that I wasn't, that, you know, I, I would go home and, um, after a long day of work, which I also loved, but after a long day at work, I would go home and my kids would run up to me. I'm saying, you know, mom, so glad you're home, even though it's late, you know, I'm so glad. And I had nothing left for them. I, I, I could, I could hardly, smile. I, I kind of just said, you know what? I just wanted to go hide in the bathroom, take my shower and not really, um, not really be there. And, and, and, you know, and I would think, well, tomorrow maybe I'll be in a better space. And, and so when we have a chance to pause and we give ourself the, the time and the space to explore and figure out some of it is just realizing that what we have right now is part of our dream. And, and how do we honor that? How do we value that? Another part, um, when we do this exploration and figuring out what we really want is some of these elements may feel impossible to you. You may think, oh, well, there is no way. I mean, some, some, some of our life is totally out of our control, right? Because, we may think, I, I wanna, I wanna meet my life partner or, I, I wanna have kids and, and some of these things are not things that there's a part that we can do in that, but it's, it's not, there's also parts that are out of our control and it can be so painful when, when we even recognize that, wow, this is so important to me. This is, would be so meaningful to me if I can live this. And yet, I don't know if I can. And so what I wanna tell you as you're, I mean, maybe things are coming up, as I'm saying this. Don't judge what's coming up. Don't you don't have to worry about what, what that list or, you know, whatever's bubbling up. Um, as you explore, just, just let it come out, let it, write it down, um, or, or speak it, you know, verbalize it. And, and so don't hold back because that, when we pause and give ourselves the space, part of that space is not squashing it down. Part of that space is just letting whatever, whatever it is that comes up, come up and, and, and just let it, let it be, let it sit there. I, I just, I can't express, you know, how important that, that part of the life planning process is. And then the next part, um, after you've done that work is to figure out how to do it, right? So if you, if you're thinking, wow, you know this, I want this. Even for me, I thought. why can't, I just enjoy the time that I have with my kids. I, I work hard, but I have all this time when I'm home. And, and, and yet, when my kids laugh and smile, I, my head is not in the right space to enjoy that moment. To me, it felt at the time it felt like this is impossible. I don't know how I could enjoy my time with my kids. I really don't know how to not feel stressed out all the time, even when I gave myself time free time. You know, even when, um, even when, when I had this weekend at home, I didn't know how to enjoy myself, cuz I had these checklists in my head and all these other things that I felt like I had to check off but when I recognize how important that was and, and I, again, this is that Orbi perspective. Like, wow, if I am taking my last breath tomorrow, what is it that I would really regret not doing today? And, and so when, when I had that perspective and I, I felt that, feeling bubbling over of how important is for me to, to be there and enjoy, being with my kids. I, I figured it out. I, I, I, it didn't, it wasn't overnight, but I figured out how to do that. And, I had this vision that, in six months I, I would, I would enjoy the time with my kids. I could enjoy an afternoon, playing with my kids and, and being outside and, and just not worrying about anything else. And, and I don't know if it was six months, but I, and, and currently now in the present, I am able to have those moments that I felt was impossible to have, so what I wanna say is that there will always be obstacles, right? I mean, oftentimes when we're afraid to, to, to express what we really want, part of that fear is that we don't think that we can actually get it right. And it would be more painful than to recognize, yes, this is what I want, but then also that I'm not able to get it. What I'm saying is believe in that, believe in that exploration, believe in that, figuring out and, and value what it is that comes up. Because when you really focus on this and then envision a, a reality where you can get it, you start to shift, you start, you know, the, the, the big obstacle doesn't seem so big anymore. And, and you, you are able to, um, be creative and, and, and to change your perspective, just, you know, imagine solutions that, that you never even thought of before. Um, and again, this is staying in that heart space, right? Because in our mind, the mind can always come up with a million obstacles and a million reasons why this can't be done. But if we then shift to the heart space where we, where we feel, how important it is, where we are in awe of the fact that we're even alive and how much a miracle that is, we start to become really, really creative. And I wanted to, share also that in, in this process, when I was doing my figuring outs in the life planning and start verbalizing and writing down things that were important to me, I shared with you, one was just being able to enjoy being with my kids. The other one that was almost an afterthought, because I thought I had written this list and I thought, well, I'm this, this list is complete. I got this, I had professional aspirations, I had personal aspirations. And the last thing that came up almost as an afterthought was that I wanted to be there for my parents at the end of their life. And when I wrote that and, and said it out loud, I, I, I, I started tearing up. I could feel myself, bubbling over with these, whatever this, this feeling, that came up. And, and I knew that I knew then when I observed that, that was that, wow. I hit something there. And part of it was, I, I knew how important that was to me, but that I was really scared that I wouldn. Be able to do it. And so, at that time, my, my dad had, a couple years before then when I did this life planning process, my dad was, diagnosed with, uh, pretty aggressive metastatic cancer and, so I've been seeing him getting in and out of treatment. And, so I was always so fearful of, well, you know, um, about, well, one my seeing my dad pass, but then also that I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be able to be there for him at the end of his life and, and just be there for my mom too, as, as she goes through this. And so when, when, when I was able to verbalize that, that, wow, I want that to be part of my life plan. Even though it was really scary, I start, I put that intention out there. And so when it happened, which happened, the last two months ago was when this, I mean, it's been going on for years, but this two months ago is when I had to physically get down there for 40 plus days. Um, I had so much clarity that this is what I needed to do. So whatever obstacles were in the way, you know, whether it's shifting my work schedule or just figuring out, figuring out the logistics of, how I can live in a different state for, for that long and, and this, and all the uncertainty that went along with that process, because I had that clarity that this is what I've been wanting to do. It became doable. and, and I'm so grateful that, that, that I, that I did. Um, so that's, um, that, that's mostly what, what I have, to, to share about my story and you know, why I, what I gained out of doing life planning and why now I do life planning. I just, wanna take a moment and we're going to do some life planning exercises, um, as the next activity, but I just want, everyone here, you know, to take a deep breath and, um, you can close your eyes if you want. And just, we take a moment to imagine. You, you wake up each day feeling like things are just right. You're grateful for being alive. And you, you feel passionate about what you're spending your days doing. You feel connected to your loved ones and you're not sweating the small stuff, cuz you're keeping that, that perspective, that ordo perspective, you're, you're staying in your heart space and you're able to live in awe of, wow, this is so amazing to be alive. And you have so much clarity on what you wanna do with your time. And there you don't, you don't worry about the fear of missing out anymore. When, when someone says, oh, Hey, this is happening. You don't worry that. Oh yeah, no, should I, should I do that? Should I not do that? What do I do? You just have that clarity that this is, you know, this is what I wanna do. And, and you're making decisions about where to show up who to spend time with. And, and it's all they're those decisions are just easy they're light. And so you feel this peace and joy in your everyday. And you also know that there is value in your life and, and that you value your life so that you don't have to wait for whether it's your CEO or department chair, or, or work to validate who you are, cuz you, you just know it in your heart every day, why you're living and, and that's, that's the gift that I hope to, to give everybody who's here going forward.